THE WAFFLEMAN: Are You An Oxymoron?

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Yo! Here we go again with an oxymoron or a figure of speech by which a locution produces an incongruous, seemingly self-contradictory effect, as in “cruel kindness” or “to make haste slowly.” Got it? I hope you agree with some of them.

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks? Why the third hand on a watch is called the second hand? If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing? Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing? Why do “tug” boats push their barges?

Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” when we are already there? Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting? Why is it called “after dark” when it is really “after light”? Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?

Why are a “wise man” and “wise guy” opposites? Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things? Why is “phonics” not spelled the way it sounds? If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

If the entire world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? Why is bra singular and panties plural?

Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead? Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase? How come abbreviated is such a long word? Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one? Christmas: What other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks? Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

I dunno, why do we? Can you think of any that I missed? For I know that this list is not complete. Some of these oxymorons are really dumb but some are not so dumb; what do you think?

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