THE WAFFLEMAN: Rules For New Jersey Drivers

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RoadRageYo! Here we go again with these instructions on how to drive in New Jersey. They were sent to me by Jerry M., a reader from New Jersey.

Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident New Jersey driver avoids using them.

Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, because the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of getting hit.

WARNING: Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it, and it may result in you being rear-ended.

Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially with PA, NY or Del plates. With no insurance, the other operator probably has nothing to lose.

Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure your abs kick in, giving a vigorous foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without abs, it’s a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.

Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It’s a good way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.

Speed limits are arbitrary figures; given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in New Jersey during rush hour.

Just because you’re in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn’t mean a New York driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn’t think he can go faster in your spot.

Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.

Learn to swerve abruptly without signaling. New Jersey is the home of high-speed slalom-driving thanks to the Dept. of Public Works, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers’ reflexes and keep them alert.

12. It is tradition in New Jersey to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move three milliseconds after the light turns green.

To avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover, it is important to exit your vehicle through the windshield right away. Wearing your seat belt will only impede your high-velocity escape from danger.

Remember that the goal of every New Jersey driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.
In New Jersey, “flipping the bird” is considered a polite salute. This gesture should always be returned.

No matter what Jersey drivers do, I don’t think it is OK to drive this way – don’t do it.

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